On Handkerchiefs

I think it was in graduate school that I first tried handkerchiefs and then gradually switched over to using them exclusively. I completely don't remember what it was that made me try them. I did develop a half-serious Kleenex conspiracy theory, but I'm pretty sure that came later. It's the lint, you see … the lint that comes off a Kleenex when you shake it. You breathe it in, and it makes you sneeze more. And, it's not just Kleenex … all the tissue companies are in on it! I'm not kidding!

Anyway, these days I treat handkerchiefs as just another kind of underclothes. I have a grocery bag full of them (but that's another story), and every morning I pick one out, fold it, and put it in my pants pocket.

Handkerchiefs have more uses than you might think.

• If you like to wash your glasses with soap and water, handkerchiefs are the best for drying them off. (Clean T-shirts are second best.) They're even good for cleaning without washing. You can use the edge to brush off particles of dust or whatever, or use the center to wipe off most kinds of liquids and oils. You do have to be careful, though … if you try to wipe off the wrong kind of oil, you'll just smear it around. So, there is a bit of a learning process there.
• In the same way, handkerchiefs are good for cleaning other things … monitors, windows, even camera lenses if you're not too picky.
• If you're in a restroom where the paper towels have run out, you can use a handkerchief as a little towel; ditto if there's a hot-air drier that you don't feel like using. That reminds me of something about my visit to Japan that I see I forgot to mention. Apparently the norm there is for bathrooms to have neither paper towels nor hot-air driers—you're just supposed to have a handkerchief or something. So, it was lucky for me that I did; I ended up carrying an extra one just for that purpose.
• Similarly, you can use a handkerchief as a napkin.
• And, of course, you can sneeze or blow your nose into a handkerchief. That pretty much invalidates all the other uses, though.

For most of the above, it's important that the handkerchief be made of some reasonably thick material that absorbs water … and that brings me to another theory I have.

It took me a long time to find handkerchiefs I really liked. I had a few good ones, but I just couldn't find any more like them—all I could find was silk handkerchiefs plus some cotton handkerchiefs that when taken home and washed invariably proved to be thin and shiny. But, in the end, I did figure it out. The problem was, I wasn't taking into account what many people apparently consider to be the single most important use of a handkerchief: looking good folded into a triangle in a suit pocket. So, when I looked for good handkerchiefs in department stores, I found handkerchiefs that looked good; and when I gave up and went to Target, I found ones that were good for sneezing into … and that were cheaper, too.

By the way, I had the same kind of problem with dish towels, and although I've solved it, I still don't really understand it. I've tried buying dish towels in various places, and it always seems to me that they don't absorb water, which to me is the whole point. Instead, all they do is spread it around. The only explanation I've come up with is that maybe they're optimized for drying hands rather than dishes. Anyway, the solution, which I only discovered by accident, by seeing them in use at a friend's house, is flour sack towels. They're thin, but really do absorb water.